Healthcare lies

I don’t care if you are for or against the proposed health care bill. I just ask that you make your decisions based on fact.

I read an article today that points out the fallacies in a chain e-mail that opponents of the health bill have been passing around.

For the purpose of full disclosure, I support this healthcare legislation. If you do not, that is your prerogative. I would prefer that you don’t insult me personally for seeing things differently than you do. Maybe I’m growing more liberal than libertarian these days.

But again, don’t base how you “see” things on lies.

Among the myths busted in this article are free healthcare for illegal aliens, rationing, the “death panel” (though not referred to as the “death panel” in this article), and the idea that the “public option” will put private insurers out of business.

Re. illegal aliens:
“Jennifer Tolbert, an independent health care analyst at the Kaiser Family Foundation, a nonpartisan foundation that studies health care reform … [says] the claim that the bill provides free health care for illegal immigrants is particularly egregious … ‘No one’s provided with free health care. That’s ridiculous.’”

Re. the public option outcompeting private insurers:

Page 124: “specifically states that health care providers do not have to accept patients under the public option” and page 127: “Again, there may be a broader case to be made that the government can outcompete private insurers through the public option, but this section of the plan only applies to payments to doctors for patients who are part of the public option. The government does not set wages for doctors because doctors are free to decline to see the patients.“

I think the public option would only put private insurance out of business if *all doctors* had to opt in. But they don’t. I believe you’ll still likely get better healthcare through private insurance — as long as they can’t drop you, and will pay out.

This isn’t as in-depth as I’d like to get, b/c I’m only sneaking a few minutes at work while our system is down.

But it just drives me NUTS to hear people like my father-in-law repeating everything he hears on O’Reilly and Hannity. “The media tries to tell you how to think,” he says, of the ‘liberal’ media. OK, so Fox doesn’t???

I love the man, don’t get me wrong. But for all the conservative complaining about paying taxes for public benefits, I’d just like to see what they’d do if the gov’t tried to take AWAY their Social Security and their Medicare — two “socialist” programs.

Another good article I’ve read on healthcare is here. The author outlines how one reason it’s so expensive is b/c it’s so much BETTER than it used to be. He also points out how smokers and the obese actually end up costing us LESS in the long run b/c they die sooner.

Last month I finally paid off a $1,000+ emergency room bill that I received *three years ago,* when I had health insurance, but it was such crap insurance that it didn’t pay out anything. It’s no laughing matter when you have no insurance and have to go bankrupt (I didn’t, but I didn’t go for anything really serious).

If you have ever suffered any sort of financial hardship due to your lack of health insurance, I don’t see how you could *not* support healthcare reform. The fact is, we need universal healthcare, healthcare that you don’t lose because you lose a job or get sick. Whether this universal healthcare is handled by government, or can somehow be supported by the free market — well, that’s up to *us* to decide, based on FACTS about what works here and what works in other countries … and what DOESN’T work here and in other countries.

APPENDIX

I first posted this as a FB note and immediately drew the ire of some folks to my right. I think I made some more pretty good points, so here they are:

I do agree we need tort reform. Malpractice insurance raises doctors’ costs, which are passed on to patients.

I also think we should ban direct pharmaceutical advertising, starting with TV. Is that anti 1st amendment? I don’t know, but I hate those stupid ads. They cost tons of money that could go into *supplying* people with drugs – that their doctors inform them about – not the TV.

I don’t think the gov’t would necessarily do a stupendous job running healthcare. I don’t WANT the gov’t to completely take it over. I still think we should have co-pays (sliding scale). The best insurance I ever had was an HMO, Kaiser Permanente. I just believe we need a health *safety net* for all, whether it’s provided by private or public entities, the fed gov’t, or state & county gov’ts. Sometimes people can’t help it if they get in a horrible car wreck or give birth to a child with severe birth defects, and they can’t afford the bills, just as example.

Second comment:

Since we live in a country where people make varying levels of income – janitors make little, doctors make less – which I *agree* with b/c it takes more training, skills and smarts to be a doctor – the current system also provides varying levels of health care, based on what ppl can afford.

Everyone can’t be a doctor. Someone has to be a janitor. A janitor shouldn’t make what a doctor does. But if said janitor, with little/no insurance, gets in a horrible wreck or suffers a similar unforeseen health disaster, he likely would *get* the emergency health care he needs, thanks to the Hippocratic Oath, but he would also get stuck with thousands in medical bills, and if he can’t pay (how could he?) he may have to file bankruptcy, lose his home, ruin his credit, etc, thus keeping him mired in poverty.

I just think we need a safety net. Which we don’t have now.

Third comment:
Yeah, tell you the truth, I don’t know where the money will come from either. We can’t afford what we have already, be that Social Security or Afghanistan. Not that I’m against those things; just that we already have such staggering debt.

I will be first to admit I don’t have all the answers. I just hope my husband keeps his job; if he lost it we’d be up the creek b/c I’m an independent contractor and don’t get benefits through *my* job. BUT here’s a more libertarian thought – if businesses are *forced* to provide health care to employees, there will be fewer employees, and probably more independent contractors like myself.

Things I actually dislike about capitalism

“Capitalism is surely the worst economic system, except for all the others that have been tried.” — Winston Churchill (paraphrased)

So can you believe that little miss “capitalism rocks” actually dislikes some aspects of her favorite economic system? That despite my hatred of the nanny state that I have a hint of a commie streak?

The following is a disjointed diatribe on why I often dream of moving to the wilderness and becoming a hillbilly.

Despite all beliefs to the contrary, or what you WANT to believe (and argue with me about), the American economic system is not capitalist (or socialist) and our political system is not truly democratic. Our economic and political system are one system, that being Corporatism:

“a practice whereby a state, through the process of licensing and regulating officially-incorporated social, religious, economic, or popular organizations, effectively co-opts their leadership or circumscribes their ability to challenge state authority by establishing the state as the source of their legitimacy, as well as sometimes running them, either directly or indirectly through corporations.”

This can also be termed fascism, or the military-industrial complex. And even though our Constitution says we have separation of church and state, churches are so flush with money that they can afford to get their people elected as well, just like big business and big unions and big [fill-in-the-blank].

This is precisely we you have companies like GM and banks like XYZ that are “too big to fail.” They’ve always been entertwined with the government. To put it in grade-schooler terms, companies/unions/churches get really big and really rich, then they get their people elected, who then pass laws that favor the companies/unions/churches that got them elected. At this point, in the cases of the companies and bailouts, they HAVE to be bailed out, because the system truly WOULD collapse if they didn’t.

So let me contradict myself with my bullet list of “things I actually dislike about capitalism,” though I think the proper term at this point in my grade-school thesis would be “corporatism”:

• I dont’ believe there is any such thing as a completey unfettered free market, and if there were, it wouldn’t last long anyway. I believe in Clark Howard’s term “Capitalism with a cop on the beat.” I mean, we have to regulate competition, for chrissakes. Ayn Rand has argued in favor of monopolies in Capitalism: the Unknown Ideal, because, she says, if they’re the best at the game and beating out the competition, then they should be on top. But, of course, when you have 3 companies running everything, there’s no competition. And, oh, that’s where we’re at anyway (at least in terms of the American auto industry), except the government helps run the corporations.  I don’t know, I don’t have an answer. I’m just throwing this stuff out there.
• I think we need more regulation on certain products, especially that “herbal high” crap they sell at head shops. I bought some Red Dawn once and have NEVER been so sick in my entire life. I was confined to my bed for 24 solid hours,  so dizzy I could barely stand up, and repeatedly vomiting. I couldn’t even keep WATER down. I tried to google the ingredients, and some of them don’t even exist, especially Indian bromine. There is much speculation that this is a pseudonym for DXM, the active ingredient in cough syrup. The label on Red Dawn says “this product is not regulated by the FDA.” Sure, “let the buyer beware.” But, for a product that can seriously HARM you??? This shit needs to be regulated.
• I also think snake-oil companies like Biotab Nutriceuticals should be put out of business. If you didn’t know, this is the company behind infomercial staples Extenze (“for that certain part of the male body”) and Alteril, the “all-natural sleeping aid.” Both are shit products that don’t work, and rake in billions from ignorant consumers. Sure, they’re despised all over the internet and at the BBB, but, they ain’t going anywhere. A sucker is born every second. But why should it be OK to rip off suckers? Even I bought a bottle of Alteril (which is how I know it doesn’t work). Luckily I bought it at Wal-Mart, which has a friendly return policy. If I’d bought it off TV I’d be S.O.L. I even called the phone # on the box to inquire about their money back guarantee, and they said “we’re not the company that makes it.” Flabbergasted, I said “OK then who does?” and the sales rep hung up on me.
• Wasteful land use. I HATE IT hate it hate it hate it hate it. It makes me INSANE to see brand new strip malls being built, further and further away from town, when there are empty strip malls standing less than a mile away. Of course, it’s cheaper and more profitable to buy undeveloped land, chop down the trees and build new stuff than remodeling old buildings. My inner commie wishes that there could be some kind of new construction moratorium when there are X number of unoccopied/abandoned properties in a town. But that is sooooo un-libertarian that, well, I can’t even claim to be remotely libertarian for even thinking these thoughts. I admit, I side with the original dwellers of older neighborhoods, with 50s or earlier-era homes, when people come in and buy a house just to tear it down and build a McMansion. I agree with those kind of building regulations, i.e. not allowing a ginormous 3-story home be built next to a one-story ranch or bungalow, b/c I believe that the history and charm of a neighborhood, and a city, lie in its buildings and landmarks. And they should be preserved. Does that make me a big fat commie? Guess I see Craftsman bungalows and Fox Theaters like some people see national forests and wetlands.I am a HUGE fan of historic preservation. It makes me sick when a beautiful old historic building is torn down to make way for “progress.”
• Our system’s s attitude towards natural drugs that AREN’T snake oil, because they can’t be patented and profited from, so they must be banned, regulated out of existence, or demonized through propaganda. Marijuana being the most obvious culprit, followed by stuff like DMSO and the herbs and supplements that actually work.
• Our economy’s dependence on selling products that you don’t actually need. I recently discovered that — wait for it — shampoo is a useless product. Yes, you read that right. Shampoo is a toxic chemical concoction that has only been around since about the 30s. The “no poo” movement is 100% correct. You can wash your hair with baking soda and rinse it out with diluted apple cider vinegar. I did it twice and it works beautifully. My hair was perfectly clean and actually had more body. But let the public embrace this? There goes a large chunk of the economy. I only did it twice, though, b/c I’m still trying to use up the rest of the shampoo that I already have, and it does take more effort to put together your soda and vinegar.
• Most household cleaning products are useless too. Windex is just watered down, dyed ammonia. You can keep your entire house clean for a year with one big bottle of bleach, one big bottle of ammonia, one big bottle of vinegar, and several boxes of baking soda.
• Planned obsolescence. Light bulbs can be made that never burn out. Cars can be made that never wear out. But you have to keep making new ones, or else the economy will fail b/c people who make those products will be out of a job.
• On that note, engines can be built that sip far less gas, or don’t need gas at all. But then, what about the economy?

IT’S THE ECONOMY, STUPID!!!

I change my mind — I DON’T miss Atlanta

I thought I would, I really thought I would. Well, I am a fickle creature. I don’t.

I think the only things I miss are the hard copy Creative Loafings, and the accompanying easy access to live entertainment. It was a photostream on Flickr I saw today that helped it dawn on me — I DON’T miss Atlanta! And really, I realize I don’t particularly like it after all! And here’s a few reasons why.

• Atlanta has no proper sense of its own history, or future. A few patches of historical buildings and architecture remain, but other than that, it was mostly torn down after white flight, urban renewal, the construction of the interstates, etc. Hence, leaving large swaths of it a blighted, bombed-out eyesore. Then, when someone wants to come along and fix it up, you get endless hand-wringing from the alternative weekly columnists about the evils of “gentrification.” And/or from the very same hypocritical white urban gentry who live in the renovated lofts in the first place.
• Wine-sipping yuppies. I used to have these neighbors that had these dinner/wine parties on their front porch every other night. (This was in a “gentrified” neighborhood by the way.)  I can’t really put my finger on why I hated them so much. I didn’t even know them. But even if they had ever acknowledged my existence and invited me over, I wouldn’t have gone. I’m sure I would have been bored out of my skull by whatever they would have been talking about. Probably their expensive European vacations or Wait, Wait… Don’t Tell Me.
• Hipsters. I used to spend a fair amount of time seeing bands in Atlanta, but only b/c I liked the bands, not b/c I had any urging to be a “scenester.” Young white hipsters annoy me for some reason.  I don’t like people who try so self-consciously hard to be “cool.”
• Sevananda. GOD I hate that place. If you don’t know, it’s the health food store in Little Five Points that sells copies of Workers World to the same dreadlocked unwashed who can afford $12 raw vegan smoothies.
• All the bicycle riders in Decatur who don’t “Share the Road” like the bumper stickers on their Volvo wagons implore the rest of us to do. They are especially aggravating to pizza delivery drivers in the Emory area. They run red lights and will flip you off if you think it’s *your* turn on green.
• Those Marxist sticker-covered Volvo wagons all around Decatur.
• Panhandlers, in L5P and downtown, and elsewhere. God help them, I feel bad for addicts & the homeless and wish I knew what it would take to help them. But they frighten me.  I enjoy being able to shop without them accosting me at every turn.
• Seeing “Kill Whitey” stickers around town. OR to put it a kinder way, the uber-segregation and undeniable racial tensions of Atlanta. Yes, my suburb has plenty of minorities, but they’re not nearly as cordoned off into their own neighborhoods.

  As Obama would say, “Now look.” I’m NO FAN of white bigotry either, rebel flag stickers, KKK, etc. I find ALL interracial hate unsettling. As you can see from the above bullet points, and my blog in general, I am plenty comfortable with hating my OWN race. There are plenty of other, completely VALID reasons to hate people! OK, get ready, I will very rarely say this, but now, ON THE RECORD, I am admitting it: I am indeed aware of my white privilege. I do not feel comfortable in situations where I am the only white person. I guess b/c I’ve lost my privilege I feel hated. It could all be in my mind, perhaps. Well, I am admitting it. Go me.

  Just so you know, I don’t feel comfortable in situations where I’m the only bipolar person, rednecky person, libertarian-y person either. I pretty much don’t fit in anywhere anyway. But before you call me a racist, remember that the reason you have neighborhoods that are 99% black is because white people don’t live there. Ninety-five+ percent of the white liberals in Decatur live in the white part of Decatur. I’m pretty sure I’ve said this before, but … can it be considered “racist” to not want to live in a black neighborhood? (I’m sure it could be argued, though I am in no position to do so.) Of course, if whites move to the black neighborhoods, they’re considered gentrifiers — there’s that white privilege again. The other side of the coin is, of course, when black people move into white neighborhoods, there’s that feeling of “there goes the neighborhood.” Hence it remains segregated.

  I used to live in the middle of an all-black area, near the intersection of McAfee and Candler Road, just south of Memorial drive and north of I-20. It’s just a fact; I’m not saying this to say “ooh lookit me I CAN’T be racist at all since I lived in a black neighborhood.” It was down a long, one-lane driveway at the bottom of a hill, by a beautiful creek. My then-boyfriend from East Cobb shivered in his shoes going down there to see me. Rumor had it that our neighbors were scared of *us* because they believed we did voodoo down there. Welll … I plead the 5th.

I actually went to my high school reunion …

… and it was a pleasant surprise!

I swore I wasn’t going to go, for reasons of, you know, insecurity. I had this image in my mind that it would be an extremely awkward affair, and that people might give me weird looks and whisper about me and snub me, or make weird comments to/about me. “Oh, you know what I heard about *her*?” That a lot of them would be uber-religious and judgmental acting. That all the cliques would be cliqued back up and cordoned off at their own tables all night and it would feel like the lunchroom all over again. I was quasi suicidally depressed for a great deal of high school and felt like I had nothing in common with anyone and that I was kind of a misfit/outcast and that most people probably hated me …

So, unless everyone was just blowing smoke all last night (which could be likely haha), a LOT of people felt the same way I did, and a good deal of it was all in my mind. And everyone didn’t hate me after all. It probably helped too that the people that I DID have a strong dislike for in high school didn’t show. If they HAD I would have still expected them to be nice to me, because for $100 admission, they’d BETTER!

I’m really glad I went, b/c of all the “rumors” (probably mostly true haha) that I was afraid people would mention to me, I heard a LOT of wild stories about my classmates that pretty much trumped mine. To protect the innocent, I won’t go into details, but I went to school with a lot of pretty wild people. And, really, some pretty cool ones. We started swapping stories of our (and others’) hellraising and everyone was like “I would have NEVER expected that of YOU! (or him/her) We’re really all the same after all!”

H. and I actually came away with the feeling that we left with more friends than we came with. And really, this is why I decided to go, to place new memories with the faces.

Also, I can’t end this without mentioning that I was pleasantly surprised at how GREAT everyone looked. People always say, oh, all the popular kids will be fat and old and etc., but that wasn’t the case. H. actually thought there were a lot of hot chicks there. “I’m so glad I held out for my mountain girl!,” he said. “You come from good stock.”

Touchiness

I really wish I could thicken my skin. I really do.

I admit, I am touchy. This is why I never got on stage more than three times to do stand-up comedy. I have no patience for hecklers, or worrying about what people will think of my jokes.

I have the same problem with blogging. I couldn’t tell you how many times I have either heavily edited my posts, or not even posted at all, on certain ideas or subjects that I find humorous or thought-provoking, sometimes by their very offensiveness. But I have a severe aversion to getting flak if my humor falls flat, that people will dissect my every word and bitch me out by telling me what an asshole I am. Hence why I have dubbed the blogosphere the “bickersphere.” I take criticism too personally, and this needs to stop. All successful creative types (writers, filmmakers, comedians) are hated as much as they are loved. Everyone has critics and gets nasty reviews. They ignore it and keep doing what they DO. They have their fans, the people who GET them, and they don’t get where they are by running off to lick their wounds every time someone is mean to them.

I have friends that just go balls-out and dare to cross the line, and I admire that. Real comedy goes into dark, uncomfortable places that make you squirm. My favorite comedians employ insults, nastiness, ignorant-sounding blanket statements, and even stereotypes — and they work, in the context of comedy, because they make you look at yourself and admit that, deep down, you have thought all of these things yourself. It’s a button the comedian pushes — to be cliche, the “envelope.” And it’s comedy because it isn’t serious. A comedian speaks from a place of persona. S/he isn’t always like that. These jokes, if spoken in a context of seriousness, are no longer jokes. If they are, then you are an asshole. One of my longtime friends, dare I say a mentor of sorts, has always spewed some of the most vitriolic statements I’ve ever read. But, that’s his schtick. In person, he’s the most polite gentleman you’ll ever meet.

“But you can’t joke about this — this is serious! You can’t say, ‘oh, it’s just a joke.’” But when I start analyzing my every word, my every thought, and worry about who it might piss off, I chicken out and just keep my mouth shut. For fear of people not liking me, I suppose. For fear of my words coming back to haunt me. For going too far and having it all just bite me in the ass. That the “wrong” people will read it and I’ll get dooced.

I really wish I could overcome this fear. Because if people decide they don’t like me after knowing what insanity lurks in the dark recesses of my mind, then they probably shouldn’t be my friends anyway. Why should I have to pretend to be someone I’m not and walk on eggshells for people to find me acceptable. I’m beginning to tire of my own inauthenticity. I feel I have to go through life with my head down and tow the line. I’m afraid to really be myself. I admit it.

Forbidden fruit

Well, looks like it’s goodnight for Sweet Dreams …

Death by vanilla!

Eh, I probably shouldn’t be smoking anyway. At all.

BUT … this new imperial, fiat-from-on-high ban on candy and fruit-flavored cigarettes is pissing me off.

Before I get into this, I want to say that I actually like some aspects of this bill. It’s nigh time that the tobacco companies reveal just what the hell kinds of chemicals they put into those things. The chemicals are why, when I choose to smoke, I do not smoke Marlboros or Camels or any other gas-station garbage. The chemicals are the reason those are the most popular brands, because they are the most addictive.

So here’s my spiel on flavored cigarettes:

They are being banned because they encourage the children to take up smoking because the flavors “sweeten the poison.” My ass. That argument could probably be used for cloves, which I don’t think are covered by the ban, but I could be wrong.

But among my smoker friends, not a one of them smokes cherry or vanilla-flavored cigarettes. When I whip them out at a bar or party, no one’s ever even seen them before. They always ask if they can bum one. Then they ask, “where do you get these?”

The answer is, I have to go out of my way to get them. The only places that sell them are a few out-of-the-way, mom-and-pop Pakistani-run gas stations that also sell knives and bongs in glass cases and keep a few video poker machines in the back (pardon my racist stereotyping, but I think you know the kind of stores I’m talking about) (clarification — post edited 6-14-09 to remove my suggestion that these kinds of stores necessarily operate illegal gambling operations; that’s kind of an unfair accusation); specialty cigar shops; and maybe a few head shops. But even in the last category, I never see them at Galaxy; the place to get them is This That and the Other in Smyrna. But anyway, it’s not like there’s a Marlboro man in a van tempting children with candy cigarettes. You pretty much have to be an aficionado to even know of their existence, much less to go to the trouble to get them.

True smoker smokers smoke whatever they can get their hands on fast and conveniently. And true smoker smokers smoke a pack a day because their crap Camel cigarettes burn fast and deliver crack-like, spiked nicotine levels even faster.

I know the difference between “mainstream” cigarettes and specialty tobacco because, well, I’m my own guinea pig. If I go for awhile without smoking, I can smoke five Sweet Dreams at night and not crave them the next day (it’s smoking them for a couple of days in a row that gets the cravings going). BUT if I bum one Marlboro off of someone, I immediately want one the moment I wake up the next day. My sick little habit is, I’ll smoke when I drink and/or on weekends, and on Monday I will slap on a nicotine patch so I don’t smoke during the week. Not that I do this week-in, week-out, BUT it’s something I can do.

But real smoker smokers can’t do this. Their addictions are so strong that if they put on a nicotine patch, they’ll smoke anyway.

When the cherries and vanillas are banned, I probably won’t smoke at all, unless I pick up some Nat Shermans or, gad, if I’m desperate, American Spirits. I guess I can thank the nanny state for my newfound cigarette sobriety.

BUT, fuck you nanny state. Why don’t you just make cigarettes $10 or $15 a pack??? As little as I smoke, I’d fork over $10 or $15 for a pack of Sweet Dreams. That’s less than I make in one hour and I’d have the cigs all week. I’d savor the luxury. But NOW I won’t even have the choice.

Adam Lambert Superstar

Adam Lambert is supposedly giving Rolling Stone a “scoop” with a cover story where he “comes out” as gay.

Well DUH … I mean, a man that beautiful and talented who sings like a dark angel from heaven *can’t* play for our team.

But, regardless ..

I’m a 31-year-old straight (OK – hetero) female and if he’s gay, that makes him even sexier to me. I have an Oscar Wilde fetish like you wouldn’t believe. And my very first favorite alternative band was the B-52’s, and all but one of them is gay. I grew up fundamentalist Christian so I have heard plenty of gay bashing my entire life, but my God, this boy can SING and his raw talent just lights up the stage wherever he goes.

Besides, it’s bogus to ask if America is ready for a “gay idol.” Let’s see, what other gay performers do even the most “conservative” of Americans adore and welcome into their homes by way of their stereo systems … Elton John. Freddie Mercury. Boy George. George Michael. Michael Stipe. Clay Aiken. Ricky Martin. Liberace. Little Richard. And David Bowie and Mick Jagger, who are, by many reports, bisexual.

Bash my pop culture worship all you want, but Adam Lambert is at the very least a fascinating study in gender/queer studies and American culture.

By the way, I’ve had a fetish for “guyliner” for quite awhile (with the exception of Pete Wentz).

Behold: Damon Albarn …

And of course, Billie Joe Armstrong …

And our newest comer to the “metrosexual” pack, a crush that makes me feel like the molester I am … Zac Efron …

And last but not least, Nick Simmons …

How to get out of traffic tickets

(Christ, has it been a whole month since my last post?)

A couple of times lately, over drinks, the topic of my numerous roadway run-ins with the cops and their affinity for writing me tickets has come up. The first reaction was “Gah, I’m never going to ride with you! How do you still have your license?” When I was really looking for, “Wow, that’s clever how you wormed your way around so many of those tickets!”

I think much of the problem for the longest time was my white-person fetish of plastering my car with bumper stickers, from the time I was 16 til about … oh lord, about 25. And not of the political type, unless you count my middle finger to vegans “Meat is Dinner” sticker. Haha, I got a chuckle out of that one. Oh, and the “ALL People Suck” one. But, as a rule, lots of stickers, especially in a small town, is a fuzz magnet. They can keep a better eye on you on the interstate too as you weave around all the other cars. And, in a heavily Christian area, they’re not too fond of Jesus fishes that say “N’Chips” inside them.

1. Can’t remember if this was my 1st ticket or not, but it was about 1996 and I was heading down I-85, pre-HOV lanes, in a white 1990 Toyota Camry V6, plastered with glitter cat head stickers and 3-D Virgin Mary postcards taped in the rear window. So I’m flying down the left lane, probably was passing everyone else (but hey, it WAS the fast lane), and here come the blue lights behind me. So I pull over into the left emergency lane. Which the cop told me was NOT technically legal, that I’m supposed to always pull off onto the right side of the road. Which would have meant weaving my way back across 5 lanes of traffic. Which would have looked like eluding if you ask me. So anyway he tells me that I was going 80 in a 65 (or something) and that he clocked me by way of his calibrated speedometer. I argued with him, saying something like I had it on cruise control so I KNOW I was only going 75. So when I went to traffic court, I told the judge the same thing I told the cop (shortly before he wrote me the ticket). “Well, it just seems logical that he had to speed up to catch me, which means he would of course be going faster than me.” The judge knocked $12 off my ticket.

2. It was a rainy afternoon and I was on an on-ramp near the connector, getting onto 75/85 north. The guy in front of me began to pull off onto the interstate, so I followed behind him. He then slammed on the brakes, and I slid right into him. I did no damage, not even a scratch. But he told me he worked in insurance and that he knew there could be damage underneath, and also his wife was pregnant. So I had to wait there for at least an hour in the rain, and be late for work, waiting on an Atlanta cop to tear himself away from a narcotics bust to come out and write me a piddling traffic ticket, for something that really wasn’t my fault. Think I was cited for following too closely. Well christ, I was right behind him because we were on a freakin’ interstate on ramp! So I went to Atlanta city traffic court, still defiant that I did nothing wrong and that I could get out of it. When they called me up I pled not guilty, so they set a court date for a month later for my trial. When I came back, the cop didn’t show up and the guy I “tapped” didn’t show up. The judge asked the prosecutor if the state had prepared its case against me, and she said “No your honor.” The judge said “dismissed.”

3. Some guy in a red pickup truck sideswiped me once while passing me on the left while I had my left blinker on and was making a left turn into a shopping center. The cop sided with the other guy, saying that I was illegally turning across two lanes. I thought, what lanes? At least a 1/4 mile was just solid, unpainted blacktop from a recent sewer digging project. So I went back the next day and took several photographs of the spot, so I could plead not guilty and show the judge my pictures if I went back for a trial. So I went to traffic court (DeKalb County) and it was packed. It was kind of late in the afternoon and the judge just sat there and made a face, then said, “I really want to get on out of here, so if you all just pay your tickets today you won’t get any points on your license.” Fair enough, I said, and promptly went to the ATM and came back to pay my ticket before 5. Hey, I don’t mind coughing up the money if I have to, it’s the dings on your license that get you.

4. I was on my way home from my wedding shower, leaving my grandfather’s house and making my way back to Atlanta. I wasn’t even two miles away when a cop pulled me over for supposedly going 60 in a 45. He was like, where are you going in such a hurry? I told him I had just left my wedding shower and that I was heading home. He still wrote me a ticket (must’ve been that uppity Dekalb County tag). So when I got home I called around to see if anyone knew the cop, and I’ll be darned, my aunt used to go to church with him. So they talked to him and he knocked it down to 56 in a 45, so I wouldn’t get any points. Boo-ya! (Yes, I still had to pay full price, but … no points!)

Four more for the “Stuff White People Like” list

Ooh ooh, before I forget them again — If the SWPL blog steals my ideas, they can have at ‘em …

1. The ’50s. I can’t tell you how many times I have had a fellow white person say to me how they “wish it was still the ’50s” or how “everything was so great in the ’50s.” For the record, I am not a big fan of the 50s, aside from Bettie Page (but I mean Bettie Page as in who she was [good Baptist bad girl], not as in a done-to-death rockabilly chick/Coop icon). I just can’t imagine black people being too fond of the ’50s either. “Gosh, remember that time when we had our very own water fountains?” (Hubby’s crack, so I’ll give him credit.)

2. Rockabilly. While I’m on the subject. Hot rods and rockabilly. All those chicks at the Star Bar (in Atlanta) who have the Bettie Page hairdos and the pale skin and the tattoos — the “death Betties.” Sorry, Rev. Horton Heat is just Brian Setzer on black beauties. And all that music sounds exactly the same — like Brian Setzer on black beauties. I dunno, it bores me.

3. Burning Man. I was flipping through channels the other day and stopped on Current TV for a few minutes. They were talking about the “spiritual” temple at Burning Man, and the segment kicked off with an image of a skinny white hippie sitting on a rock and playing a goddamn didgeridoo. Ugggghhh why do white hippies love to adopt aboriginal instruments? Then, when the temple was shown, it was swarming with a bunch of white people. The kind of white people you’d imagine. Girls with pink hair and belly button rings wearing halter tops and long skirts, unbathed white guys wtih dreads, and lots of Teva sandals. There was a time a few years ago when I wanted to go to Burning Man, but that was during a more “pagan” phase. All-night drum circles — and didgeridoo jam sessions — are NOT my idea of a good time.

4. Current TV itself. Ooh, it’s so hip and ironic and devoted to a higher cause. You can tell by the “intimate” concerts of Sigur Rios and Death Cab for Cutie they air.

Getting away with murder?

“Getting away with Murder is Technically Impossible” – Forensic Files, TruTV

Bullshit.

According to the most recent U.S. Department of Justice statistics I could find, in 2005, only 62% of all homicides were solved.

Even though the site also says that “homicide has the highest clearance rate of all serious crimes,” still … 62%? In school-grade terms, that’s a D. In restaurant health inspection score terms, that’s getting your restaurant shut down. In real terms, that means that approximately 1 in 3 murderers get away with it. This is unsettling to me, knowing that there are murderers walking in our midst. Maybe they watch as many forensics shows as I do.

For the record, I watch WAY too many forensics shows. But, now that it’s pretty weather outside, I’m starting to find them too depressing. I can’t deal with a steady stream of rape, murder, and shallow graves by the river when the azeleas are ablaze with (blood) red blossoms and the birds are orgiastically chirping while feasting on fresh, fat, (corpse-fed) worms.

I think I hit my rape-n-murder show limit a few weeks ago when I got home from work and clicked on Cold Case Files. I’m trying to eat my dinner and this police detective comes on talking about his interview with a man convicted of raping and killing three women, who enjoyed having sex with his victims AFTER he killed them. “I asked this monster to tell me, on a scale of 1 to 10, how good the sex was with a dead girl, and he said 14,” said the detective. “This guy is a monster.”

Yeah, and that little detail made me lose my appetite.

I also watched, Dateline I think it was, a couple weeks ago about this 13-year-old girl who was raped and murdered by a pedophile in 1986 after meeting her at Dairy Queen and promising to drive her to his son’s birthday party. It was the saddest thing. They found some mix tapes in her purse when they dug up her body. Mix tapes she’d made for the son, her crush. That detail just wrenched me, and I cried my eyes out.

For some reason, I have been super depressed lately. So I have taken to watching SpongeBob and American Idol.

But yes, I bet these murderers who get away with it watch a lot of forensics shows too. They’re practically a primer on what NOT to to. I could write you a list of things I’ve learned from the show, but I don’t have the balls to post it for fear I’d be the target of an investigation and/or I’d give some criminals some ideas. I rattled off the list to two fellow forensics aficianados (both women) over drinks a few months ago and the guys at the table next to us heard us freaked out. “I’m about to get married in a week, but now I’m not so sure!” he said.

For those 38% of murderers who get away with it, I am nearly 100% certain that someone knows they did it, but are too terrified to talk. I wish I were truly a clairvoyant, so I could achieve my lifelong dream of becoming a psychic detective.

Oh, and I’m not joking.