There’s nothing like publicly announcing a blog break that gives me the clarity of “but wait, I wanted to write a post about THAT!” (Just like I’ve recently become more of a Target person after all, after openly declaring myself a Wal-Mart type …)
Wow, while I was mucking about for writing this post, I came across this news tidbit:
AP Stylebook No Longer “Mentally Retarded”.
Now, how FITTING is that with the zeitgeist (at least in my own little personal corner of the blogosphere) as of late?
The even-too-snarky-for-ME Gawker says:
“So what changes can you look forward to in tomorrow’s edition of the Mattoon Journal Gazette? More text messaging, less malarkey, and no more retarded people! … Other changes in the A to Z update include the entry for “African-American,” which previously indicated that the “preferred term is black.” Now, the African-American entry states: “Acceptable for an American black person of African descent. Black is also acceptable. The terms are not necessarily interchangeable.”
In another significant revision, “mentally retarded” is no longer the preferred term, replaced by “mentally disabled.”
Anyway, this is kind of a continuance of my last post.
I get nervous around some people who are more politically involved/active than myself, or who, I guess for lack of a better term, many “activists,” because, seriously, I’ve always had a bad habit of seeming to be able to say the wrong thing to the wrong people at the wrong time. It’s like a psychic ability. I can sense your button. And I push it. And I DON’T REALIZE I’M DOING IT. I don’t mean to.
My wish as of late is — I WISH I LIVED IN A POLITE SOCIETY. Some of the sales copy I edit by day will have wording like this for the U.S. market: “Why <our company> is BETTER.” This same copy is reworded for Great Britain, Japan and elsewhere to read “Why you should CHOOSE <our company>.” Now, how POLITE is that? I like it when men hold doors for me. Hell, *I* hold doors for men! I like it when people say “excuse me” and “thank you” and say kind things to each other. I guess I am a sucker for old-school Southern behavior. I consider myself one of the most open-minded, tolerant people on the planet, and perhaps even a patient person on many levels. The downside is, I can be TERRIBLY passive and still have assertiveness issues, but I digress. Aggression isn’t part of the equation when you’re around POLITE people! (Wherever THOSE people are …)
Now, my problem with “polite” societies is when civility becomes the LAW and you can go to jail for “hate speech” etc. However, some recent examination of some of the terms *I* have thrown around, unthinkingly, has made me realize just how IMpolite I have been. How can I “be the change [I] wish to see in the world” if I am myself acting rude or saying insensitive things? Even without realizing it? Though to contradict myself AGAIN, I often will say/write over-the-top offensive things, in a nihilistically ironic sense, to illustrate points, in the setting of a blog post, comedy or screenplay … just like some people have “politically incorrect” sexual fetishes, I like “politically incorrect” comedy. It’s all about set and setting.
Now, let’s VEER over here … What gripes me about the mindset of some “activists,” or some people who want to enact political/societal change, is how they seem highly intolerant of, and impatient with, people who don’t already “get it.” i.e. “It is not my job to educate you.”
I know full well I am ignorant about many people’s issues/beliefs, but I’m sure others might be just as intolerant of some of *my* issues/beliefs, which I don’t talk about a lot in Christian company, or often just as intolerant “athiest” company (my fondness for the I Ching, Tarot, voudoun, qabalah and magick, for starters).
Have you ever considered the impact, though, that one patient, understanding conversation with someone you might consider an “idiot” might have in changing that person’s mind? Instead of attacking them for their ignorance? You may not be able to fathom that someone out there could be so ignorant, but I’m sure it’s easy to become detached from the thought processes of the hoi polloi if you are lucky enough to have a close-knit group of friends who share your beliefs and you don’t have to interact much with the great unwashed.
Let me share with you a life-changing exchange I had with a gay pen pal when I was 13 years old. Thanks to this young man’s open mindedness and patience, and willingness to kindly explain his position — his SELF — to me, he changed my worldview. He revealed to me his bisexuality. And I, a good church-going girl at the time, slammed back with a letter containing such original platitudes as “It was Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, not Adam and STEVE!” and “You’re going to go to hell.”
Now, instead of him ignoring my letter and throwing it in the trash, or writing me back with “You’re a dumb cunt” (a la, you know, your typical “civil discourse” that occurs in blog comments), he responded with an extremely kind, and explanatory letter. He told me that he understood my religious views, being from the South himself. But, that he could not help who he is. That he always knew he was gay. That as a young child he enjoyed putting on his mother’s clothes and that he knew he was born that way. And that’s just who he is.
Something inside of me changed when I read his letter. To be cliche, a light bulb exploded brilliantly above my head. A bulb that remains dim over millions and millions and millions of heads of intolerant people around the world. And, a huge chunk of my “faith” was permanently chipped away — utterly dislodged. He opened my eyes. I wrote him back to THANK him for taking the time, and being kind enough, to so patiently — change my BELIEFS. One guy. One letter. One instance of someone, I guess for lack of a better term, with a little patience. For a complete little twit — me.
(Of course, this was back in the day when it took time/patience to correspond with people in other states; like, you know, holding a pen and handwriting a letter and putting it in an envelope and putting a stamp on it and putting it in the mailbox and waiting for their olde timey paper contraption to return to you. Unlike now, when anyone with a gadget can immediately blast anyone they see fit with off-the-cuff vitriol.)
Anyway, people get annoyed with me still when I want to engage them in these kind of convos. “Well, *tell* me what it was like to be a streetwalker. I’m curious.” “Tell me what it’s like in the Chinese sweatshops/living under Mao” etc. “What’s it like living in a European Welfare State with universal healthcare?” (Yes, I’ve asked people all three of these, in so many words). Some people will gladly talk to me. Others more than gladly ignore me. Some would probably just as soon smack me in the face. Or, tell me to go read a book, or go read some blogs. So, I do go read up. But, alas, there are a lot of people out there who don’t have time or interest in reading a lot of blogs or becoming politically active. Or reading. Some people never will. Face it, many many people just aren’t all that literate — or all that SMART.
What am I proposing, tolerance of the intolerant? I’m trying to think of a better way to word that. Patience with the ignorant? Or am I going to toss that cliche quotation out again about being the change you wish to see?
Something that bothers me somehow about movements to foster social change — and this applies equally to people who believe that their religions will change the world, and who believe their political activities will change the world — There is a cult mentality involved. There are secret handshakes and code words. I was involved with an occult group/magickal “secret society” for a number of years and it worked like that. “We” are the enlightened ones and “they” are the troglodytes. “Our” creed will change and enlighten the world (i.e. make “them” more like “us”) — but *they’re* all morons. (I HATE cult mentalities BTW.) I see this in political movements as well. Call me a POPULIST if you will, but I don’t think anyone’s movement is going to get anywhere unless it somehow becomes “popular” belief. As far as language is concerned, there must be clarity — It must be put into terms that the “ignorant” people understand and can relate to. Enough *people* have to be on board with it — and understand it — before, in a democracy, it can win enough votes (become public policy). Christianity was only a cult of wandering mystics until the kings were converted, by a sea change in people’s thinking (that, and, if Jesus led them to victory in battle … they’d convert).
Perhaps I’m too simple. Maybe it’s all that inverted-pyramid writing I did for “Joe Six-Pack” for so long. (Woo AP style!) But I like to cut to the POINT first and then delve into particulars. When I explain why I believe prostitution should be decriminalized, my first simple point is, “Fucking for money, on camera, is legal. Fucking for money, in private, is illegal. What the fuck sense does that make?” And why I believe pot should be decriminalized is that simple too: “It’s a fucking plant. It grows naturally. It’s legal and OK for you to drink your high but it’s evil and worthy of jail time, broken families, lost jobs and loss of 4th amendment rights if someone wants to plant a seed and ingest a plant???” As “libertarian” (small l) as I am, when I start talking about legalizing pot I can sound like a fucking anti-capitalist commie. (B/c I think $$ is the main reason it IS illegal — brewing your own beer is a pain in the ass, so people go buy it, whereas growing your own plant is easy; no one would go to a store to buy weed when they could just plant it in their yard … and the “criminal justice” racket system would lose a lot lot lot of money).
I really ought to think of some good way to wrap this up. Uhm, perhaps if more people could legally smoke pot and visit prostitutes this society would become a lot more polite? People would probably laugh a lot more and not take themselves so goddamn seriously. And perhaps if I am patient enough I can figure out a way to educate the public on these points. Which is what some comedians have been so goddamned great at …
Activists who are intolerant of people who don’t “get it” annoy me, because it’s like, wait, were you just BORN “getting it?” Maybe, but probably not. And if you can help someone see the err of their ways without villifying them, they’re more likely to be a good ally.
On the other hand, though, I do have a BIG problem with what I see all too often from a lot of people who are rightly called out on their sexist/racist/homophobic/whatever behavior: “But I didn’t MEAN it!” So?? The intent is irrelevant. The impact is made. The damage is done. The hurt is real. Now, the adult thing to do is deal with the consequences of your (general “you”) actions instead of expected the person you hurt to take care of YOUR feelings.
As a blogger I sometimes read recently said:
As for certain words, the thing I can’t wrap my head around is: what’s the motivation to continue using them? Why is it so IMPORTANT? What do you LOSE by not using those words? This is what I never understand w/ people – or wait, I’ll say it, ASSHOLES – who talk about how they feel so “attacked” by gay rights activists saying they shouldn’t throw around “faggot,” for example. Why is it so important for you to be able to use a homophobic insult?? What do you gain? I want to say to them (and sometimes do, on the rare occasions when I can stomach dealing with them), you better take a good hard look at yourself if that hurtful word is THAT important to you.
And as for “retard” in particular, I cannot grasp how or why anyone would continue using it after, say, reading Bastante Kim’s posts. Using the word out of ignorance is one thing; it doesn’t make it any less offensive or hurtful, but ignorance can be changed. If one is NOT ignorant and yet continues to use the word, I can only conclude that they are stupid or spiteful.
Oops, that smiley was an auto-conversion from parentheses and a semi-colon next to each other.
[...] Linked, per blogger’s [...]
I can’t quite articulate how to finish my thoughts on this. I’m just glad that my gay pen pal responded to me kindly instead of with anger. His attitude, though not requested by me, got *through* to me. If he had either ignored me or written me back with a letter full of insults, I doubt my mind would have been changed on the matter. If he’d done the former, I would have probably just shrugged and gone on in ignorance (not knowing any gay people in my town, school, etc). If he’d done the latter, I likely would have thought “Well no wonder you’re victimized, it’s not that you’re gay, it’s that you’re an ASSHOLE.” Even though *I* was the one being the asshole in the first place. It’s funny how human psychology works like that.
People are selfish like that. It’s always about *ME.* People ask, “What’s in it for ME?” People pay more attention when they think that changing their behavior toward *others* will do something good for *themselves.” This is probably indicative of my own self-centric mindset, but that’s one thing that really stood out to me in one of Kim’s posts, the part where she mentioned the true story of the person who uses the word “retard” repeatedly and was passed over for promotions and treated like shit by the boss, who had a “retarded” nephew (?). Though, in some self- defense, to not sounds like a completely selfish fuck, I also realize that I don’t like people calling ME a “retard” and realize how hurtful it can be, and since I like polite people, then *I* should take further steps to be kinder myself.
I don’t even think it’s about politeness. I think that’s an inaccurate description, and that’s the kind of thing Republicans/so-called “conservatives” (yeah right) like to throw around to denigrate progressives/liberals/non-assholes/whatever who believe that bigotry kinda makes things suck.
So yeah, it’s not about being polite or not. It’s about compassion, an ability to put oneself in another’s shoes (or at least try), an acknowledgment of the various stratifying forces in our society, an understanding that it’s NOT “all about me” – and if one is incapable of all that, at the very least it’s about treating people with a baseline modicum of respect and decency. E.g., even the people who think “sex worker” is a stupid term – bottom line, I don’t CARE what they think about it, they need to use it, because to not do so is to rob a group of people of the ability to self-determine and self-identify. If they go around willfully saying “whore” instead, they’re being assholes, and that’s all there is to it.
I don’t believe the story Kim told about the guy who was passed over for promotions was true, I thought it was an example. I could be wrong.
Either way? I don’t fault that (real or theoretical) guy. I think it’s unrealistic and overly simplistic to draw a direct parallel between his “impoliteness” for not promoting the dumbass, and the use of “retard” as an insult. This is the same reason it doesn’t work for people to have a knee-jerk reaction to POC pointing out manifestations of racism: “Oh yeah?? Black people can be racist against white people!!”
Right, perhaps “polite” implicates a kind of phoniness. I agree, it does boil down to treating ppl with respect, decency, etc.
Re. Kim’s illustration, I wasn’t saying that the *boss* was being “impolite,” I was saying that the fellow throwing the term “retard” around was the “impolite” (i.e. disrespectful) one, by making himself look like a jackass, and therefore shooting himself in the foot. Before she introduces the story, she says “True story time,” which is where I got that.
I have low expectations of humanity. I really do. I think that the masses, in general, just don’t think things through to the extent that people like you and I may (you moreso than me on a lot of things). So it’s probably expecting too much from them to expect them *not* say ignorant things. Not that it’s OK, but, that I just am not shocked when they *do.*
To risk sounding elitist … Maybe part of why (some) bloggers blog is an attempt to educate people. Not that that’s fully my intent, and, of course, it is a *teacher’s* job to educate people and *not* a blogger’s. But, if anyone’s going to get through to the “masses,” I am thinking more in terms of, if I were a student in a class (i.e. a part of the “mass”), and if I gave the wrong answer or just didn’t know something, I probably would be put off if the teacher said “I can’t believe you really think that/could say that — you are really some kind of idiot, huh?” … It puts people on the defensive.
Part of why I shrink from debating/discussing these kinds of things with some bloggers/activists, b/c, honestly, their “spare no prisoners” style kind of intimidates me. I don’t want to speak up for fear of being attacked, for fear of people thinking I’m an idiot. As Mark Twain said, “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.” Which is why I still toy with just hanging up blogging altogether; but I haven’t yet b/c I enjoy wrapping my head around differing viewpoints. I just don’t want to be ridiculed for *having* one.
I guess, in some weird ironic sense, I *understand* why people think the way they do/say the things they do, b/c, well, people are stupid. Do I have compassion for the stupid? I don’t know, I’m a misantrhope who’s spent waaaay too much time in customer service positions, ergo, spent quite a bit of time around the “great unwashed.” Perhaps I’ve acquired some kind of grinning-through-grated-teeth obsequiousness over the years. More often or not, though, the stupid don’t “cooperate” with ones goal’s (i.e. eradicating some of the stupidity) or get one’s point when they’re called names or ridiculed.
Re: expectations, I believe people rise (or sink) to the expectations set for them. To me, having low expectations of people is both detrimental to me and disrespectful of them. Of course, there will always be people who do NOT rise to ANY expectations, and in those cases, I fully admit I do not have the stomach or the patience to deal with such people. This is why (as I’ve said before) I absolutely cannot be a “front line activist.” I don’t have the constitution for it.
Re: “spare no prisoners,” it bugs me too, as I’ve said before. I think it has to be taken on a case by case basis though, rather than spoken about as a nebulous general phenomenon, in order to draw any useful/instructive conclusions. It depends on the people involved, how they act in other situations, their relationship to one another, the type of interaction, and a ton of other variables. With a friend, I do not mind explaining something in order to help them understand where I am coming from; in fact, I really enjoy it. With, say, the creepy guys that I was talking about (and to!) on my panel at Balticon? Well, like I said on the panel, fuck if I am going to stick around and be made to feel uncomfortable (and potentially in harm’s way) just to *educate* your sorry ass. My #1 priority will be removing myself from that situation, and I will be giving absolutely no thought to what you might think about that. I am not responsible for YOUR bad behavior.
Also, when having useful dialogue, I find the Charis rights and responsibilities to be extremely useful (which is why I posted them on the Sex 2.0 site as our guidelines!) Note the one in bold:
Can’t have the rest without that one, and vice versa.
Rights:
* To speak (for yourself) and be heard (without interruption)
* To self-identify without challenge or explanation
* To ask questions and express ideas
* To voice your individual needs
* To disagree
* To laugh, have fun, participate, and learn
Responsibilities:
* To listen with an open mind
* To be respectful of others’ voices and experiences
* To avoid making generalizations or assumptions based on individual characteristics, personality traits, appearance, cultural affiliation, race, sex, gender identity, class, age, dis/ability, religion, occupation, etc.
* To be conscious of the space we take up verbally (step back, step up)
* To challenge ourselves and each other
* To be compassionately critical and understand that there may be a learning curve sometimes
That’s a red herring. Unless you go hang around those internet cesspools like Little Green Footballs and the like, no one on the blogs *I* frequent, anyway, will ridicule you for having a different opinion. People will certainly speak up when something is hurtful to them, or when a particular word is inappropriate (and provide a better one). But that’s not ridicule. That’s healthy communication.
Thanks for posting that list! That’s a great reminder.
Re. red herring, good point … You know what this all boils down to for me? I’m paranoid and likely need to get to therapy (already). I have an irrational fear of pissing people off and having them hate me because we disagree on things. That I’m just one step away from losing my friends (or potential friends) b/c I’m going to say or do something wrong. It’s why I’m a misanthrope, I’ve often found it easier to keep to myself than talking/mingling with a lot of people (who, I irrationally think, are going to HATE me anyway once they get to know me … because we don’t have much in common or don’t see eye-to-eye, etc etc.)
I want to get into therapy, but it gets better — I have an irrational fear of pissing off my boss and being fired from my job for wanting to leave early once a week for therapy. (Need to find someone with evening appts I guess!) I don’t want the boss to think I’m “crazy.” I would feel the need to make up a lie to tell the boss where I’m going — I would NEVER feel comfortable telling a boss that I suffer from depression/bipolar disorder, social anxiety, delusional thinking, [borderline?] alcoholism*, etc. That fear of being ridiculed again. So it’s a vicious cycle.
(*i.e. getting through an entire week without a drink takes effort, going an entire month sounds unthinkable. More often than not I drink to get drunk and always hate myself the next day when I can’t remember what happened, what I said, etc. To compound it, I’m a borderline asthmatic and I like to smoke when I drink!).
Re. expectations … I really honestly don’t have a problem with anyone unless they prove themselves to be an asshole. Are most people stupid? (Can’t wait to read the book “Just How Stupid are We?) Maybe most people are just ignorant? Many seem so willfully ignorant though.
Likewise!!
I;ve struggled with all of this stuff for a long time and continue to struggle at times. I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 15, and sometimes it’s been amazing (when I have a good therapist that I feel a connection with) and sometimes it’s just been annoying (when I have a therapist I don’t like). The “shopping around” aspect is definitley the most annoying part about therapy.
More later, must shower.
Oh one other quick thing?
Bosses should know better than to do that – unless they want some Americans with Disabilites Act lawsuit on their asses.
OK last thing here, as this thread has devolved into being all about ME ME ME …
My fear of pissing off and alienating friends or potential friends was, in a lot of ways, much worse in high school (before I started taking meds). I would actually go out of my way to AVOID my own friends (what few I had) b/c I thought that would make them my friends longer. Like, I’d see them in a group at someone’s locker and I would avoid them. I would think, “Oh, if I go up to talk to them, I’m going to say something stupid or annoying, and they won’t be my friends anymore. So I’d better just keep my interactions at a minimum.”
*That’s* pretty odd thinking, IMO. But, in some ways, I still kind of think like that. And it’s, well, stupid.
Schizo insecurity/fear of rejection 101. “So, tell us about your overly sheltered Southern Baptist upbringing where you were taught to feel constant guilt and fear just by virtue of existing … and if you think or act different you are going to HELL … and if you actually have the nerve to “be yourself” around your loved ones, you will be guilted, criticized and ostracized.”
No “mainstream” therapist I’ve seen to date would touch the religion thing, and/or thought it was kind of funny b/c it seemed so ridiculous. Some of my occult friends had a term for being raised by people with these beliefs: Child Abuse.
A therapist I saw for a while had another term: soul murder. I thought he was kind of hokey overall (which is part of why I stopped seeing him), but I had to give him credit that that’s an apt term, even if it might appear to the casual observer to be melodramatic.