Forbidden fruit

Well, looks like it’s goodnight for Sweet Dreams …

Death by vanilla!

Eh, I probably shouldn’t be smoking anyway. At all.

BUT … this new imperial, fiat-from-on-high ban on candy and fruit-flavored cigarettes is pissing me off.

Before I get into this, I want to say that I actually like some aspects of this bill. It’s nigh time that the tobacco companies reveal just what the hell kinds of chemicals they put into those things. The chemicals are why, when I choose to smoke, I do not smoke Marlboros or Camels or any other gas-station garbage. The chemicals are the reason those are the most popular brands, because they are the most addictive.

So here’s my spiel on flavored cigarettes:

They are being banned because they encourage the children to take up smoking because the flavors “sweeten the poison.” My ass. That argument could probably be used for cloves, which I don’t think are covered by the ban, but I could be wrong.

But among my smoker friends, not a one of them smokes cherry or vanilla-flavored cigarettes. When I whip them out at a bar or party, no one’s ever even seen them before. They always ask if they can bum one. Then they ask, “where do you get these?”

The answer is, I have to go out of my way to get them. The only places that sell them are a few out-of-the-way, mom-and-pop Pakistani-run gas stations that also sell knives and bongs in glass cases and keep a few video poker machines in the back (pardon my racist stereotyping, but I think you know the kind of stores I’m talking about) (clarification — post edited 6-14-09 to remove my suggestion that these kinds of stores necessarily operate illegal gambling operations; that’s kind of an unfair accusation); specialty cigar shops; and maybe a few head shops. But even in the last category, I never see them at Galaxy; the place to get them is This That and the Other in Smyrna. But anyway, it’s not like there’s a Marlboro man in a van tempting children with candy cigarettes. You pretty much have to be an aficionado to even know of their existence, much less to go to the trouble to get them.

True smoker smokers smoke whatever they can get their hands on fast and conveniently. And true smoker smokers smoke a pack a day because their crap Camel cigarettes burn fast and deliver crack-like, spiked nicotine levels even faster.

I know the difference between “mainstream” cigarettes and specialty tobacco because, well, I’m my own guinea pig. If I go for awhile without smoking, I can smoke five Sweet Dreams at night and not crave them the next day (it’s smoking them for a couple of days in a row that gets the cravings going). BUT if I bum one Marlboro off of someone, I immediately want one the moment I wake up the next day. My sick little habit is, I’ll smoke when I drink and/or on weekends, and on Monday I will slap on a nicotine patch so I don’t smoke during the week. Not that I do this week-in, week-out, BUT it’s something I can do.

But real smoker smokers can’t do this. Their addictions are so strong that if they put on a nicotine patch, they’ll smoke anyway.

When the cherries and vanillas are banned, I probably won’t smoke at all, unless I pick up some Nat Shermans or, gad, if I’m desperate, American Spirits. I guess I can thank the nanny state for my newfound cigarette sobriety.

BUT, fuck you nanny state. Why don’t you just make cigarettes $10 or $15 a pack??? As little as I smoke, I’d fork over $10 or $15 for a pack of Sweet Dreams. That’s less than I make in one hour and I’d have the cigs all week. I’d savor the luxury. But NOW I won’t even have the choice.

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